


How To Save a Life

by AuntieSnixx



Series: The Fray Series [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-12
Updated: 2014-03-12
Packaged: 2018-01-15 12:55:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1305595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuntieSnixx/pseuds/AuntieSnixx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Step one, you say, "We need to talk."<br/>He walks, you say, "Sit down. It's just a talk."</p><p>In which Harry wants to come out, Louis doesn't agree with him and Nick is just being a good friend.</p><p>Songfic based on How To Save a Life by The Fray</p>
            </blockquote>





	How To Save a Life

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction in AO3 :3 and it's based on one of my favourite song (How To Save a Life) by one of my favourite bands (The Fray). If you don't know them yet you should really look them up.  
> Dungeness is the main location of Bonnie's Wright short film, Separate We Come, Separate We Go.  
> Also, I am so sorry that Louis is a dick in this story, I know this is probably not how he'd act, but this is all just fiction
> 
> None of the people in this story belong to me.

_“Step one; you say ‘we need to talk’”_

‘Hey Lou, Are you busy? I think we need to talk.’ Said Harry to his boyfriend, who was lying on the couch doing something in his phone, probably just checking Twitter.

‘No, its fine, I’m not busy,’ said Louis, sitting up and putting his phone on the pocket of his trousers. ‘What do you want to talk about?’

‘Okay, so, hum, I don’t really know how to start this conversation... It’s complicated, you know, ‘cause it’s you and me, and you’re my best friend and we’ve been together for over two years now,’ Started Harry, not sure of what he was doing and starting to regret his decision to have this conversation.

He was not the most eloquent of people, and also not one to work well under pressure, which meant that putting him into a situation where he not only had to talk, but had to measure his every word or there would consequences was just a recipe for disaster. That was the reason why Louis was always the one to deny the rumours about Larry whenever they came up – that and the fact that Harry didn’t want to hide it anymore.

_“He walks you say ‘sit down, it’s just a talk’”_

The older boy was starting to get antsy; he knew nothing good came from a nervous, talking, Harry.

‘Okay, basically, what I’m trying to say is that I’ve decided to come out. Even if our relationship keeps hidden, even if you don’t support me on this. My decision is final, I am telling the world who I really am.’ Harry said, after deciding that sugar coating would not help him much in this case.

He already knew Louis wouldn’t be pleased by his decision, but he was also beyond the point of really caring about that. The boy knew that coming out was something he needed to do, all the hiding, the pretending were too much for him. And of course he would much rather do it having the boy he loved by his side, but the second best thing was to do it on his own, and that was what he was going to do.

Still, Louis was quiet. Too quiet. His expression was blank, making it hard for Harry to decide whether his boyfriend was still in the room with him or just somewhere else. The younger lad just hoped he wasn’t too pissed at him once he came back to Earth…

_“He smiles politely back at you; you stare politely right on through”_

Then, suddenly, the man’s face turned into a smile. But Harry knew him far too well to think, even for a moment, that that was a happy, pleased, or in any way good, smile. They had been talking about coming out, hypothetically, the day before, which meant he knew just exactly how much Louis loathed the idea of telling people about their relationship. There was no way he had changed his mind so drastically in such a short period of time. No, he thought, that was not a good smile, it was a “no fucking way you’re serious about this” smile.

‘Harry, dear, can I ask you something?’ Said Louis, the sinister smile still on his face, ‘Are you fucking insane? I mean, you’re a smart person; you can’t possibly be actually considering this, you know very well just why _we_ can’t do that.’

‘I know why _you_ can’t do it. _You_ are the one that’s so afraid of doing it.’

‘Well, I am afraid because I’m realistic.’ Said him, raising his voice, ‘Do you think you’ll have people support you while you throw your life and your career away? Management will destroy us, the boys will be mad at you for ruining it for them just to tell the world that you like men, that you’re a freak. You know people still believe that “God hates fags”, don’t you? The public will not react nicely to you coming out, they don’t like gay people.’ Louis’ words cut holes through Harry as they left the older boy’s mouth, but he knew he couldn’t let them get to him, he knew Louis was wrong, that the world was finally starting to let go of the medieval view of homosexuality that previously ruled.

There would some negative reaction, but it would mean nothing if compared to the good things that would come of it. Yes, management would be extremely pissed at him, but it wouldn’t be enough to get them to drop the band, that was, after all, their biggest success. The boys had already assured him – them – about a thousand times, that they would be 100% behind them if they ever wanted to come out. Also, Harry knew he had enough good friends and a loving family that would never let him be completely on his own, and would support him through everything, even if they didn’t necessarily agree with his actions.

‘Come on Louis, you know that’s not true. The icecaps are melting and you know that, more and more people are becoming open minded to different things! And I know there will still be some homophobes out there that will criticize me, but it’ll be worth it. Completely worth it. ‘Cause I’ll get to be who I am in front of everyone.’

‘Did you even think of how this is going to affect me? Or are you so selfish that you didn’t even think of how your boyfriend is going to be while you go out with your pride?’ Louis said, as if he hadn’t just heard Harry’s speech.

‘Oh, for fuck’s sake, don’t make this all about you! It has nothing to do with you and you know it, it’s about me, I am doing something for myself. Do not tell me I am selfish, because you know damn well you are the selfish one, always to worried about how something will affect you, and only you, to understand how much I _NEED_ to do this!’

_“Some sort of window to your right, as he goes left and you stay right”_

‘So that’s it then? You’re coming out, no matter what I say or do, you just stopped by to inform me that you made a decision on something we should decide together?’ Asked Louis, by his tone it was as if he was giving his boyfriend a second chance, a moment to change his mind and do the right thing.

‘Yep, that’s it. I’m coming out and there is nothing really that you can do about it. I don’t care about the costs or consequences anymore, you see, I’ve made up my mind and that is what I decided, that I’m coming out, and I am doing it soon.’

‘Well then, your decision, as you put it, might have just cost you our relationship.’ Louis took off the necklace where he kept his compromise ring – the one Harry had given him half a year prior – and threw it out of the window to the street, five stores below.

‘So be it. I am not going back into the closet because you can’t stand the fact that I have the courage to do something you might not ever have to do. If you want to leave then, please, go, no need to make such a scene. I am coming out and you leaving is not changing it.’

And with that Louis left. Just like that he walked away, throwing two years of a wonderful, almost perfect, relationship, together with another two years of great friendship, in the garbage.

_“Between the lines of fear and blame, and you begin to wonder why you came”_

At first Harry didn’t feel anything. He knew he had done the right thing by sticking to his decision, and that was like morphine to his heart, making him numb to the pain of heartbreak. Of course his certainty wouldn’t disguise the pain forever, and after a few hours of Louis leaving it finally struck the boy that they were over. Oh God, how that hurt, realizing he was on his own after all, and that everything that had been built in the last four years of his life had been destroyed in one argument. As the hours went by it became increasingly hard for Harry to remember why he had sacrificed so much in his decision to come out; he just couldn’t remember anymore what made him so keen in coming out that he let the love of his life get away from him.

But it was done now, he knew it. He also knew that alcohol would not bring Louis back, but it felt like a good substitute for the warmth of the other boy, and that bottle of vodka in the fridge was just calling for his name, asking to be drunk.

_“Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend”_

When he woke up the next day, Harry found himself lost. He had not a clue what he was going to do with his life. He had a good guess that Louis was not bluffing when he stormed out of the flat the night before, which meant his relationship was completely over, and, to be honest, that wasn’t the end of the world. Okay, it was, kind of, but he had already accepted – a little bit – the tragic destiny of his and Louis’ relationship. Right now he was resigned to waste the rest of his time on Earth praying to a God he didn’t believe in that he could have back, at the very least, Louis’ friendship.

At around six o’clock he gathered enough courage to try and call the older boy. It was, of course, useless. The phone rang and rang, but he got no answer. After a few minutes of trying he concluded that Louis just did not want to talk to him, which was only fair after their fight, and so he decided to give some time before trying to contact him again.

The next couple of days were of pure agony to the curly haired lad. Louis was still refusing to answer any of his calls and he hadn’t come around the flat, Harry hadn’t heard from any of his friends – or anyone, really – in the last two days. To sum it up, he had been locked up in his flat, not bothering to shower or comb his hair, he hadn’t had a proper meal or any sleep at all since Sunday. It was a wonder to him how he had made it that far on his own. That’s when Harry decided that enough is enough and decided to go looking for Louis in the boy’s flat – which had been empty for the last year, when the two of them had basically moved in together in the younger boy’s flat and was kept solely for the purpose of avoiding any suspicions that they were really living together, which would then lead to almost incontestable evidence that Larry was real.

Although Harry had promised himself he wouldn’t get his hopes up – just in case Louis didn’t want to talk to him yet – he had to admit he had been very disappointed when he opened the door of the flat, just to find it in the exact same – messy – way it had been the last time he’d come around, over three months before. Back to his own place, he called each of the boys, asking them if they knew of the whereabouts of Louis; none of them knew anything. In fact, it came as a surprise to them that the couple had had a fall out. But Harry wasn’t worried, per say, he knew just how well Louis could do at completely vanishing if he put just a little effort in it,  and, anyway, he hadn’t even begun searching.

As it turns out, the boy hadn’t put nearly as much effort in hiding as everyone thought he did, and all it took Harry to find him was a trip to Doncaster.

The young boy didn’t know whether or not Louis had told his family the reason for him to show up there in the middle of the night – although he kind of hoped he had told them, ‘cause it would mean he had summoned the courage to come out to his own family, which was something harry knew, from personal experience, was a great relief – but he just hoped that Louis’ mom wasn’t mad at him for showing up uninvited, and probably for the dismay of her son. Of course he never got to know if Louis had come out to his mom, as it was the boy himself who opened the door.

‘What are you doing here?’ asked him, not even trying to disguise the anger in his voice.

‘You disappeared Lou, I was worried.’ Said harry, suddenly afraid of telling the truth but not being able to come up with a better excuse.

‘Oh, cut it, you knew where I would be. This is the only place I’d ever go to get away from you, the only place that’s really mine. Yet, I don’t think I made my message clear by ignoring all your calls, not staying in MY flat ‘cause you have its key and going to _my_ _mom’s house._ I’m not sure what you’re so worried about, but it isn’t me, if you really worried about me you would understand that I don’t want to talk to you, and you would respect it.’

‘I love you Lou, of course I was worried about you.’

‘Stop lying! Why do you keep doing this? After what you told me on Sunday, are you even sure you still love me?’

‘I do! I love you so much, you have no idea! Don’t _you_ love me?’

‘Not really. I mean, thought I did, but then I always thought you would never pressure me or make me uncomfortable about coming out.’

‘If you don’t love me, just answer me this: what do you feel for me?’

‘Right now, Harry, I hate you, and I don’t want you anywhere near me. I just hope someday I can forgive you enough so that we can continue to be in a band together, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. So, if you’re done, kindly get the fuck out of my house.’

Harry was shocked. He thought Louis would still be mad at him, yeah – the older boy was famous for holding grudges –, but he never expected this reaction. Obviously his shock and confusion were apparent on his face, ‘cause Louis said:

‘What you said to me was unacceptable and I will probably never forgive you for that. Now go, before my sisters see you. I don’t want to have to explain to them what you’re doing here. And remember not to go looking for me. Goodbye.’

‘Goodbye Lou.’ Was all Harry could say before the door closed in his face, missing the tip of his nose by less than an inch.

_“Somewhere along in the bitterness”_

If you asked Harry, for the rest of his life, he’d say that how he managed to drive back to London and get to his flat in safety was a mystery to him.

The next few days, however, Harry remembered vividly. The pain, the heartbreak, the bitterness. The first couple of days were the most painful as he was all alone in his flat. It was only on Wednesday – ten days after they fought and the third day after Harry went to Doncaster, that rescue came. Harry had lost his hope; hope on what, exactly? He didn’t know, he just felt hopeless and lost, like nothing was ever going to be okay again. That’s when the lads decided to do something, and so, at around ten o’clock in the morning they entered the flat, to find Harry passed out on the couch, clinging to one of its pillows like he was holding onto dear life.

‘Harry! Harry! Wake up!’ The boy heard an Irish accent entering his dream. Should he do as he was told or should he just go back to sleep, pretending not to have heard the instructions? Oh, wait, there was also someone poling him! And they took away his pillow, that’s just plain mean! ‘Okay then, waking up it is’, thought Harry.

‘Good morning, Sleeping Beauty.’ Said Zayn, to which Harry just groaned. ‘You look like shit mate.’

‘Well, yes. The love of my life, my best friend and boyfriend, just told me he hates me. Of course I look like shit. I feel like shit too, you know.’

‘He hates you? Are you sure he said that?’ Asked Liam.

‘Those exact words.’ Answered the younger boy dryly.

‘Wow. What made him say that? Was it because of the fight you had?’

‘Yeah. We fought about coming out. I decided I’m doing it. Either with or without him.’

‘That’s great new, mate,’ said Liam.

‘Yeah, well, Louis surely didn’t think so.’ Replied the younger boy bitterly.

‘Don’t worry, he’ll come around and will be happy for you.’ Said Niall, trying to encourage Harry.

‘You know, I really don’t think he will. He did sound very sure about the whole hating me thing when he told me what I said to him was unacceptable.’

 As the day went on three fifths of One Direction managed to: clear the flat, get rid of all the alcohol that was left, do the groceries and get Harry to shower and eat something. What they did not manage to do was to get the young guy out of his pit of misery and bitterness. But of course they wouldn’t give up – Harry was like a little brother to them after all – which was why they decided to call for back up.

Back up got there half an hour later, and went by the name of Nick Grimshaw.

‘What’s wrong, Curly?’ He asked the boy, that was already back on his sweatpants, pretending to be a part of the sofa.

‘Louis fucking hates me.’

‘Louis? As is Tomlinson Louis? The I had to put up with for a whole day while he bragged about your abs not even two weeks ago?’

‘We fought later that same day,’ said Harry emotionless, ‘I told him that I had decided to come out and he broke up with me.’

‘And what exactly have you been doing that you haven’t come out yet’’

‘He’s been in here, moping around and feeling sorry for himself.’ Said Zayn.

_“And I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life”_

‘That’s going to change right now!’ Said Grimmy getting Harry out of the couch. ‘ You’re going to come out to the world tonight boy, don’t look so down.’

‘Grims, nothing against your idea, I really appreciate what you’re trying to do, but let’s be honest, I look like shit, I am in no condition of making a public announcement.’

‘Don’t worry, bring your phone over here, we’re going to do it my way.’ Harry did as he was told, got his phone from between the pillows of the couch.

 ‘Great, now log in on Twitter.’ Instructed Grimmy, ‘Do you want to say something deep and emotional or do you prefer just doing it fast, like pulling off a plaster?’ Asked the DJ.

‘Um, I don’t really know what to say… I guess I’ll just go with something simple. Any ideas?’

 

 

‘There’s nothing wrong with the good old safe choice of just saying it, you know, just write “I’m gay”,  this way it won’t leave doubts as to the message you were trying to pass on and you don’t have to really think of anything. But it’s your choice. If you want to say something else, maybe go deeper on your statement I will totally help you write it and then proof read it before you post it.’

Harry looked at the “new tweet” tab open on his phone, thinking about the possibilities ahead and then deciding on one: ‘I’m keeping it simple.’

‘Excellent,’ said Grimmy, ‘the three of you can go home now, I’ve got him. And make sure to retweet whatever harry tweets about his sexuality. You can show your support too, it’ll be a good thing, you know, the less people speculate about the band being in trouble over Harry being gay the better for all of you.’ Said Nick, with such calm that the boys all wondered if that was the first time he helped a teenage pop star come out.

As the lads waited for the lift they logged in on Twitter, looking to see if their friend had already tweeted something. He had. It was a plain, simple, tweet, just as he had decided it should be, it read only “I AM GAY”. That small sentence, they all knew, would be the reason for infinite articles and would make it to the headlines of magazines and newspapers all around the world. But there wasn’t much to talk about; there was no misunderstanding, the message was as clear as day, Harry Styles was gay.

Niall was the first one to actually retweet it, adding his own thoughts to it: “SO PROUD OF @HARRY_STYLES FOR COMING OUT. WE LOVE U MAN!” following the link to Harry’s Twitter.

Even Zayn, who had been off Twitter for months logged in to show his support: “BIG LOVE TO MY MAN @HARRY_STYLES FOR COMING OUT! PROUD OF YA MATE”

Last but not least, Liam’s tweet of support read: “@HARRY_STYLES JUST CAME OUT. HAPPY 4 U, GO B URSELF MATE, LOVE U J”

Still inside the flat, Nick had just got off the phone with the Chinese restaurant, after ordering basically everything on their menu. Harry had gone back to the couch once again and was now watching – or not really watching, he was _seeing_ – reruns of _Skins_.

‘I’ve seen that one,’ chips in Grimmy, ‘it’s the one where Emily and Naomi come out during the school dance thing.’

‘Oh great,’ said Harry sarcastically, ‘just what I needed on the night I come out _without_ my boyfriend by my side, teenage lesbians being happy on a TV series.’

‘Stop being so gloom, will you? You’re out now mate, you will finally stop getting those “what do you look for in girl” kind of questions that you hate so much!’

‘Why are you so happy about my coming out?’

‘Because I’ve been there, remember? Only I took a few more years to get the balls to do it, and there is nothing I regret more than having waited so long to come out.’

‘But I don’t have Louis with me anymore…’ Started Harry, only to be cut off by his friend.

‘And that’s his loss. Don’t let this break up ruin this awesome thing you just did for yourself. Think of out much courage it took you to tell him about your decision, and how much more courage it took you to stand by it even after he made you choose between your relationship and your freedom!’

They ate silently, and not much after dinner Harry went back to complaining about his life. Grimmy did not like seeing his younger friend that sad. To be completely honest, he didn’t think he’d ever seen the boy so torn. He knew he had to help, and the first step to that was to keep Harry busy, keeping his mind off the break up and not letting him dwell too much in his own misery.

‘Don’t let it destroy you, Curly.’ He said.

‘Too late.’

‘Oh, don’t be like that. You’re broken right now, I know, but in no time you’ll be as good as new, all happy and annoying.’

Harry didn’t answer, just laid his head down on the man’s shoulder and stayed there, not really crying, but too overwhelmed with emotions to speak anything. After a while he fell asleep there, and Nick just let him stay in that position, which should probably the most uncomfortable thing in the world for him, and sleep there.

_“Let him know that you know best, ‘cause after all you do know best”_

‘Wake up dear Harold.’ Grimmy shook the boy awake.

‘Aaaaaah,’ groaned Harry sleepily, ‘what time is it?’

‘4.30 In the morning. Now get up and get dressed, you’re going to the Breakfast show with me.’

Harry opened his eyes, lazily, realizing he had been sleeping on his friend’s chest.

‘You know,’ said Nick, ‘you have to get off of me, we’re running late.’

Half an hour later, miraculously, they were out and on their way to the BBC Radio One Studio in Harry’s car – Harry had insisted to drive so Nick could get at least a little sleep after staying up all night with him in his lap. The DJ put on the first CD he found, not wanting to turn on the radio and rising getting the boy depressed, again, if a One Direction song came on the radio, it just so happened that it was How To Save a Life, by The Fray, one of Louis’ favourite bands. Now, for those of you who don’t know it, The Fray is not the happiest band to listen to when you’re going through a break up. It is actually quite depressing, but those songs were part of the soundtrack of the happiest moments of his life, and just listening to them made Harry remember how happy he had been, and made him feel calm and in peace. By the end of the ride he didn’t really look like he wanted to die anymore, which, in Grimmy’s eyes was a great improvement.

‘Good morning everyone, I’m Nick Grimshaw, and today I have a really special guest with me in the studio. He hasn’t been here for quite a long time, but ladies and gentlemen, he’s back! Harry Styles is joining me here today, yaaay!’

‘Hey Grimmy, it’s nice to be here again.’

‘Okay, so, just for the benefit of our listeners, tell us what was that tweet about?’

‘It was something I had been wanting to do for quite a long time now. So yesterday, of course you know that, you came around my flat and I just decided not to wait any longer, so I tweeted that I’m gay.’

‘Ok, just to confirm to anyone that wasn’t present at the moment you composed the tweet, it really was you, it wasn’t a hacker or anything?’

‘No, it really was me tweeting. It wasn’t part of a joke or a bet either. I really am gay, and I wanted everyone to know that.’

‘Well congratulations on that Harold, I’m very proud of you for deciding to come out, I know how hard it is to make that decision.’

‘Thanks Grims, I know I wouldn’t have done it without you or the boys there to help me.’ And at the end of that sentence, the boy smiled an actual, genuine, smile.

The rest of the Breakfast Show was completely uneventful, but it got Harry thinking. He had to talk to Louis. He didn’t want to make up with him or anything, the boy just wanted to tell the other guy that he did not regret his decision. He had been right, he now realized, about wanting to come out despite anything else in his life. It really was the best fucking feeling in the world. And he wanted Louis to know that, to know how much he was missing on over his stupid fear, and for him to know that he would never be left alone whenever he decided to come out.

‘I have to go to Doncaster.’ Was the first thing he said after the show was over.

‘Shit! I was hoping that bringing you to the show and talking about coming out would make you change your mind.’

‘It did,’ he said simply, ‘I decided that it’s okay if he hates me, I just want to tell him that I don’t regret my decision.’

‘Alright, do you want me to drive you there?’

‘It is a three hour ride, you know that, don’t you?’

‘Yeah, but it’s not lie I have anything else to do for today.’ Said the DJ. And Harry knew he would probably have found something better to do than driving him to Yorkshire, but the lie was welcomed, as the young guy knew the company would do him good.

‘Well then, let’s go. Or do you want to stop somewhere and eat before we go?’

‘Nah, we can stop by somewhere in the road. Are you driving?’

‘Yeah; I do know the road better than you. Also, you hardly got any sleep tonight.’

‘Ok. No go, drive boy!’ Yelled Nick, hitting Harry playfully in the arm, and the boy couldn’t help but think of how much he and Louis resembled each other in their refusal to grow up.

‘Calm down and get out of the driver seat then!’ He said faking impatience.

Fifteen minutes later they were on their way, with a box of scones on Nick’s lap.

‘Do you know any good car games?’ Asked the man.

‘Car games? Really Grimmy? Are you ten?’

‘Oh come on, don’t be meant, there are some nice car games. We can count how many trucks we can see in the road.’

‘Alright. I see one right there.’

‘Okay, I see another one right over there.’

They spent the rest of the three hour long ride to Doncaster counting trucks, and occasionally bickering because they counted the same one twice. The final counting was: 515 to Grimmy, 323 to Harry, resulting on a total of 838 trucks from London to Doncaster.

Although they had agreed earlier to eat once they got there, the fucking box of scones was still half full, as neither of them felt like eating past the fifth scone, which made Louis’ house their first stop.

They both agreed that it would be better to avoid any kind of misunderstanding, for which reason it was better that Louis didn’t know Nick was there. The DJ would go to the city centre, where he would wait for Harry to call for help.

The boy rang the bell. A few moments later a little blonde girl opened the door.

‘Harry!’ Said Daisy happily.

Okay then, so they still didn’t know about him and Louis… Good to know.

‘Hey Daisy, can I speak to your brother please?’

‘Yeah, I think he’s in his room.’

Harry went upstairs and knocked on the door.

“Come on in.’ Shouted Louis from inside, obviously unaware of who was on the door.

‘Louis, I came here to talk to you.’

‘But I don’t want to talk to you! Why can’t you understand that?’

‘Don’t worry, I’m not here to try to make up with you, and I promise I won’t take long.’

‘Go on then, before I decide to kick you out of my house.’

‘Alright. Well, you probably know it already, but I came out. And I’m here to tell you that I don’t regret it in the slightest. I’m out and it feels amazing.’

‘Okay, so you just came by to tell me that you don’t regret breaking up with me? Okay, we’re done, you can go now.’

‘I am not done yet. I also wanted to tell you that the day you decide to give the world a chance and come out, you won’t have to be alone. I’ll be there for you, so will the boys and our families and thousands of other people. And that I hope that in the future you’ll be able to see how wrong you were in thinking it is not worth it.’

‘Can you please go now?’

‘Okay, I’ll go, but do you mind if I say hello to your sisters first, I miss them, you know.’

‘Go ahead, do whatever you like, just don’t say a word to them about this.’

_“Try to slip past his defence, without granting innocence”_

‘Wouldn’t dream of it.’ Said Harry, already heading downstairs. ‘I’ll be in the living room if you need me for anything.’

‘I won’t.’ Promised Louis.

But he didn’t mean it, and Harry, of course, knew that. He didn’t call Nick straight away, and ten minutes later, while he played with the twins, his suspicions were confirmed when Louis walked down the stairs.

‘Hey, Harry, why don’t we go to the kitchen to have some tea?’

As they entered the kitchen the younger boy asked:

‘So, do you want to tell me anything?’

‘Yes,’ said Louis, ‘I wanted to do you that you were a complete dick for pressuring me into coming out and giving me an ultimatum.’

‘I didn’t give you an ultimatum, Lou, it was the other way around and you know it.’ Said Harry calmly. He had decided that he would be as gentle and nice as he could, trying to get Louis to lower his walls.

‘You knew I wouldn’t want to be with you anymore if you came out! You knew that! But you decided to do it anyway.’

‘That had nothing to do with you. It was all about me!’ Said Harry starting to lose his patience.

_“Lay down a list of what is wrong, the things you’ve told him all along”_

‘Why don’t you understand it? Not everything is about you! Other people have issues of their own, you know!’ Harry said, not really able to control the words coming out of his mouth.

That was it for him, he was done with Louis, and even though he still cared deeply for the older boy, he felt like that was the moment to let everything out, and let Louis know of everything that got on Harry’s nerves when they were together.

‘You’re selfish! You are so incredibly close minded and self-centred that you can only think of how something you affect _you_ , screw everyone else, only you matter. For fuck’s sake, do you really think I would risk our relationship if I wasn’t sure of how much I _needed_ to do that? I loved you Louis, but the thing is, I am a but selfish myself, ‘cause I loved myself more.’

‘Anything else makes you think I’m an arse?’

‘The fact that you’re so childish can make you into a right dick sometimes you know.’

‘You used to say you loved that in me. What else have you been lying about?’

‘No, I loved the way you were afraid of getting old, how you didn’t like to take things seriously, but I always hated when you started acting like a 5 year old spoiled brat.’

Louis didn’t answer, only looking at his ex-boyfriend, hatred clear in his eyes.

‘See, you’re looking at me like a child does after a sermon from their parents.’ Said Harry. ‘Now, I am going home, you can stay here trying to believe that I am the one that’s wrong.’ And with that the younger lad left the kitchen, going to the front door and calling Nick.

_“And pray to God he hears you’_

Grimmy was a few minutes away from the house, but Harry felt like he could not spend another second inside it. He had to get away, and so he did, running out of the place. Louis went after him.

‘Do you think you can do that?’ Asked Louis, ‘just leave me after you told me all of those things?’ He screamed, not caring whether or not the neighbours could hear him.

_“As he begins to raise his voice, you lower yours to grant him one last choice”_

‘Louis –’ Said the boy weakly.

‘No, now you shut the fuck up and listen to me! Do you really believe all that you said to me? Do you really think I’m a monster?’ Interrupted Louis.

‘Not a monster, just not perfect.’

‘Shut up, will you? You painted me like a fucking monster in your head, don’t deny it! But guess what, you are a monster too; you broke my heart before I broke yours. This is your entire fault!’

Ok, so apparently Louis was not going to change his mind any time soon… But why did he keep screaming if he wasn’t doing any good, only destroying his own heart and Harry’s further and further?

‘Of course I was thinking of how you coming out would affect me, or else who would’ve worried about me? Certainly not you! You were too busy planning your “setting free”. After all these years in this industry I’ve learned that you can never protect yourself enough. Even if I was selfish, I am not backing down on my decision.’

Harry was tired of listening to that shit. He did not need Louis to keep talking to be constantly reminded of how clueless he was about his own flaws.

_“Drive until you lose the road, or break with the ones you’ve followed”_

And although the boy didn’t believe in God or in miracles, he just didn’t know what to call it when, just as those thoughts came through his mind, he saw his car coming around the corner. Nick had found him!

‘Good bye Louis.’

‘Bye Harry.’ Said him, as he watched the younger boy get inside the car.

‘Where to?’ Asked Grimmy.

‘Anywhere.’

‘Do you want to go for lunch somewhere?’

Harry didn’t answer. He was crying, Nick could see.

They stopped a few minutes later, inside the parking lot of a big mall – the most private place the man could think of at that time – not wanting to be seen together in Doncaster with Harry on that state.

‘Was the talk that bad?’ He asked.

‘I am SO angry at him!’ Was the response that came out between the heavy sobs ‘He’s such a dick!’

‘Calm down Harold, shhh, it’s okay, he may be a dick but he’s nothing you should worry about anymore.’

‘Can we not go back to London today?’ He asked Grimmy. ‘I don’t feel lie dealing with the responsibilities of being a pop star tonight.’

‘Yeah, I think we can arrange that. I just have to call someone at the radio to take over the Breakfast Show while I’m away.’

‘Oh, yeah, the radio, sorry, I forgot about it. We don’t have to do this, we can go back to London if you want to.’

‘No, I think it’d be good for you to get a break from the spotlight, from people in general, you know.’

‘From people in general? Are you not people in general Grimmy?’

‘Oh Harold, didn’t you know? I’m a Time Lord, I am most definitely not people in general.’

‘Are you sure you’re not a Time _Lady_?’ Harry joked back.

‘Okay, you win this one, but only because your ex-boyfriend is being a dick.’

‘You do know that did not make sense at all, don’t you?’

‘Why does everything need to make sense?’

Harry felt no need to answer that, and instead started thinking of places to go.

‘Hey Grims, have you ever heard of Dungeness?’

‘I think so, why?’

‘I saw it in a movie thing a few weeks back, it looked like a nice place.’

‘Do you want to go there?’

‘That’d be nice. D’you know how to get there?’

‘Not really, but I have a smartphone, it’s the same thing.’

‘Let’s go then.’

One hour and a half later they were in a road, somewhere in the middle of England, completely lost.

‘I thought you said you had a smartphone’ Said Harry, trying not to laugh (but failing miserably).

‘Shut up, you don’t know where we are either!’ Was Nick’s witty comeback.

It took them probably a few more hours than it should have, but they managed to get to Dungeness alive, late that night. It was cold, but Harry’s car was warm and quite comfortable, so it was decided that they would spend the rest of the night there and go looking for a place to stay the next morning.

_“He will do one of two things, he will admit to everything”_

**_After going M.I.A. for a whole week – during which Twitter and Tumblr almost collapsed – Harry and Grimmy returned to London, feeling fresh and free from worries. Of course, as it was common for the curly haired boy, this state of carefreeness didn’t last long, as he saw the very familiar face of Louis on the magazines of every newsstand on their way. The headlines were all amongst the lines of: “Louis Tomlinson comes out after a week after his bandmate”._ **

**_Harry knew the other guy too well to think, even for a second, that he could have changed his mind so quickly without something really extreme happening to him. Something extreme enough to get him worried for his former best friend and boyfriend._ **

**_He went to his flat, planning on just throwing his luggage anywhere and going after Louis, but that wasn’t necessary, as he found Louis fast asleep in his bed, one of Harry’s jumpers. The man looked so peaceful that way that he just didn’t have the heart to wake him up, so he decided to just wait in the living room for him to wake up on his own._ **

**_‘Harry? When did you get here?’_ **

**_‘About an hour ago. I saw you on the headlines today Lou.’_ **

**_‘Yeah,’ Said Louis, quite emotionless, ‘I came out.’_ **

**_‘Why? I know how much you hated the idea of doing it.’_ **

**_‘I did because I knew it was the only possible way that you would forgive me.’_ **

**_‘But Louis, you were the one that was mad at me. It should be me begging or forgiveness.’_ **

**_‘No, but I did need you forgiveness. Because I love you, Harry, and you would never get back to me if that meant you would have to hide again.’ Said Louis brokenly, but the other lad was not paying attention anymore. Something was very wrong there and he could sense it._ **

Harry woke up, still inside his car, with Nick fast asleep by his side. Louis coming out had been only a dream. A very vivid and painful dream. Alright then, now everything actually made some sense.

_“Or he’ll say he’s just not the same, and you’ll begin to wonder why you came.”_

The week they spent alone in the middle of nowhere was probably one of the best weeks in Harry’s life, and just like on his dream, he felt carefree, and Twitter and Tumblr had almost crashed over his going M.I.A., but this time, and he felt incredibly thankful for it, Louis was nowhere in the headlines.

Another difference this time around was that it was Louis that waited for Harry to wake up in the living room of the boy’s flat.

‘Louis?’

‘Harry, I won’t be long, don’t worry.’ He said quickly, and the younger boy knew that at that moment he was feeling just like Louis had felt the second time he had gone looking in Doncaster, a week ago.

‘Okay. What is it?’

‘I won’t come out. Not now nor ever. And to be honest, I don’t know why I’d ever do that. I mean, it was a one-time thing, I probably aren’t even gay.’

‘A one-time thing? It was a relationship that lasted for two years Louis. We went as far as it goes, and I know you liked it! Face it, you like boys you’re attracted to them, and maybe you like girls too, but you are not straight and you know it.’

‘Maybe I changed during the week you spent fucking Grimmy, Harry. Even if I was attracted to boys, or rather, to you, it doesn’t mean that’s who I am.’

Harry couldn’t believe what his ears told him.

‘Get out of my house Louis, get out NOW! I understood when you wanted to break up with me instead of admitting to the world who you really are, but I will not have you, on my house, telling me you never felt anything. Because I know the truth, and I can’t stand to see you hide it from yourself. One more thing: as much as I hate to see you lying to yourself, it is not my problem anymore. Do what you want, just do it far away from me.’

As Louis went out Harry phoned Grimmy. He had gotten so used to being around the DJ that his presence had become natural to him, and only now the boy realized how much he missed it.

Harry may not have been able to save his and Louis’ relationship, or even their friendship, but life went on, and he thought he could already see where he’d be going to next…


End file.
